Friday, January 27, 2012

Fad Dieting: In Couplets

Ever since turkey and Christmas came,
Diets have been on the brain.
January's almost through,
Have a look at a weird diet or two.

1. Grapefruit Juice Diet

Drinking grapefruit and water is lots of fun.
Just keep thinking about that slimmer bum. 
And maybe all that food you'll miss 
When you spend all day needing to, um, pee (sorry, family blog).

2. Lemonade Diet/Cleanse

Lemonade is something we know
As sweet and tart or sweet and slow
Not when it's full of hot cayenne
And supplemented with laxatives. What a plan!

3. Cabbage Soup Diet

Cabbage is a leafy green
That will leave us lean and mean.
Specially when it's all we eat
For the better part of several weeks.

4. The Atkins Diet

The only thing better than losing fat through osmosis
Is losing it through a thing called ketosis.
Sure you might miss a little bread
But you'll barely notice it once your veins clog and you're dead.

5. The Raw Food Diet

On the flip side of this is a thing called raw food
Which is what we eat when we've pounds to lose
There are plenty of enzymes which is a good thing
Though you can't expect to eat at Granny's Thanskgiving.

And here's a quick summary called quite fittingly I'm sure you'll agree, "The Five Days of January" because could you really make it through 12? (Note: This is not, for the record, one of those autobiographical poems.)

On the first day of January my untrue love gave to me
Some cabbage and a gym membership fee.
On the second day of January my untrue love gave to me
Raw tubers for my caveman ancestry.
On the third day of January my untrue love gave to me
Crackers and a bag of tea.
On the fourth day of January my untrue love gave to me
A tapeworm and an STD.
On the fifth day of January my untrue love gave to me
Four small strawberries,
Three cups veg broth,
Two skim milk tablets,
And a glassful of acai.



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