Friday, July 8, 2011

Eat This, Not That: Toddler Style

Cheap Eat Challenge, Part 2: Watch as our family of 6 eats on $10/day.

We all know toddlers who manage to survive on air and Cheerios (while still maintaining a lot more energy than me). I wouldn't even mind really, except when I consider the many many things they are willing to put into their mouths--sometimes over and over again.

So, without further ado, Emma's own version of the popular "Eat This, Not That."

Best Breakfast
Irish Springs Soap
0 calories
minty green

Sometimes it just sits there on the side of the bathtub. I love the way it sticks to your teeth after you've taken a good bite. I mean, sure I make a face and all, but it's only because of the punchy pungent pizzazz of this awesome treat. Later, I always come back for me.

Not That!
Crepes with jam.
100 calories
plenty of sugar
Okay, I might give this one a go, but not when I can see my dad sitting there smearing that chocolate-y looking stuff on his. What do they think I am? Blind. I know betterness when I see it, and I'm not going to sit here and settle for less.

Best Mid-Morning Snack
Infectiguard Hand Sanitizer
0 calories
Contains alcohol

Besides hanging off your mother's purse, and thus being incredibly convenient, this snack is so versatile. You can lick it off your hands or from the tube if she's not paying attention. And once it's all used up, you can fill it with dirt and eat that too.

Not that!
30 calories
lots of vitamins (A,C,E,K, etc.)
Seriously, why would you? Who needs the heady scent of summer wrapped into a succulent and beautiful fleshy fruit. I won't even allow it to touch my lips.

Best Lunch
0 calories
potential choking hazard
potential tooth-breaker
potential bacteria if contaminated by pond water

Oh baby. Sometimes I'm lucky enough to get some from the pond. I lick those off or pop them in my mouth, really savoring the algae overtones.

Not That!
Cottage Cheese
120 calories
high in protien
high in calcium
brain function promoting fats

Like, ew. Why would I? It's bumpy and stuff. And It doesn't look like it came from a Skittles bag at all, if you know what I mean.

Best Mid-Afternoon Snack
10 calories
contains bugs and dirt

Not That!
20 calories
a more threatening shade of green

I always say you should never trust anything green that has been served to you in a bowl. It's a good life lesson to live by.

Best Dinner
0 calories
lots of germs
potential cat feces

My parents have sandbags full of this by the garage. Cha-ching. I especially like it with the little pebbles. Sometimes I'll hold one in my mouth for long periods of time and then randomly pull it out and present it to my mother as a gift. Sometimes my siblings build stuff with the sand, which means they add water to it. This makes it even better. It, like, sticks to everything and I can just lick it off at my leisure. There are so many great things about sand. One is that it attracts cats with all their cat diseases. Another is that your mother can never really get it all hosed off when she sees you covered in it. That just means more snacking for later. Until you get your bath for the night of course. But then someone will probably leave the soap within your reach.

Not That!
Homemade Pizza
170 calories
Lots of stuff on top

Okay, so I will eat the crusts on these, but all those sauce and toppings just wig me out. I mean, what if there was, like, a vitamin in there or something. Grody.

Best Dessert

Baby Magic Lotion
5 calories
smells like baby wipes

My sisters spread this on me by the gallon-full. Perfect for snacking. I just lick it right off. It's not quite as good as chapstick, but it'll do.

Not that!
270 calories
lots of sugar
contains fruit

Okay, I know it's sweet and all, but there's a crust and within the crust, a suspicious looking substance that, judging from the brightness of its color, may contain nutrients. I shake my head back and forth and pinch my lips closed when a spoonful comes near.


  1. haha! This post made me laugh so hard. Henry has been SO picky lately, it is driving me crazy. Brady and I cannot understand why he turns up his nose at incredibly delicious food in favor of things like paper, soap, dead beetles, lip gloss, and rocks. Glad to know we're not alone.

  2. They are definitely at that age. Arg.

  3. Funny and true. Maybe we should sprinkle food on the ground outside and act like we don't want them to eat it...

  4. Amen. Or put it in the garbage can for them to find when they go exploring in there.

  5. By the way, I really don't let my children run amok all day long scrounging through garbage and eating rocks from the pond. The thing is, it only seems to take them a few seconds to find this stuff. it's amazing. They're like little chubby bloodhounds.

  6. This post is hilarious. I just reread it a year later and it is even funnier now!



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